When I'm not looking..

Stuff... matter, material, articles, or activities of a specified or indeterminate kind that are being referred to, indicated, or implied... such a broad explanation of a word, yet so fitting. Stuff is all that goes on in my head. Stuff is what happens around me. Stuff is what I'm going through, and thinking through, and doing, and interacting with. I've seen some crazy stuff. I've done come crazy stuff. I've thought about some crazy stuff. But like i said, it's all so broad and general.. i can't quite pin point anything. most of this stuff ends up in my head and it creates this "brain cloud" that makes it hard for me to think and function. I get so caught up in wanting to understand, or know, or really nail something down. Relationships, friendships, acquaintances, and passers-by all get wrapped up in all this stuff in my head. I try to make sense of it all but it i end up thinking either too much or too little about any of it. Too many "specifics" run through my head to capture one thought and pause it long enough to analyze it, pull it apart, understand it, and resolve it. I am so thankful for having "outs" that allow me to release the majority of these thoughts. People, things, and beings that are constants to help me spill out the stuff in my head. God being the most important. As simple as He has made my life right now, it's incredible to think that it is still so complicated.. and to think further that I come helpless before Him with it all knowing that only He can organize and straighten all of the stuff out for me. Psalm 77:13 says, "Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary; Who is so great a God as our God?" That last part is so strong for me.. Who or what is as great as our God? No one! Nothing! God is THE ultimate.. and puny me.. here I come before Him.. week and frail, broken and humbled. I am at the feet of the God of the universe, and I hand Him this stuff.. "here you go God.. would you mind taking care of that for me, please?" Part of me has some sort of guilt for just putting that in front of Him and asking Him to take care of it.. and yet the other part of me knows that He is such a loving, gracious God, that He will gladly take care of it.. and so much more! Ephesians 3:20 says "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurable more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us." Wow! What an amazing God. What an amazing design. He has created us to completely depend on Him. He wants me to bring all my stuff to Him because He loves me and wants to take care of me, His creation. It's kind of hard to wrap my mind around...
Lord.. take all this stuff.. fill me with Your Spirit.

Okay, so here's what's going on.

It's hard to really even know where to begin. So much has happened in the past few months that I don't know how to even start writing about everything. I guess I'll just jump right into something..

I'm back in school. I go to Buena Vista through a community college called Iowa Lakes, up here in Okoboji. I'm back in school to get my Business Education degree. Right now I'm currently living at the Okoboji Lutheran Bible Camp with my younger brother. We put in about 30 hours of work each week in compensation for a place to stay and some food. The people here are pretty cool! They're fun to hang out with, talk with, and work with. We got connected to this camp through the church we're currently attending, which is also another place where the people are awesome! How did I end up here, back in school, back in Iowa though...? I ask myself that daily..

I was living in Indianapolis with my sister and my brother-in-law. I lived there for about a year and a few months. I worked on our t-shirt company as well as other jobs that I had here and there. During the last few months of living in Indy, I knew that Kasey was going to be headed off to college and I wasn't very sure what I was going to do as far as work, and education goes. I started really praying that the Lord would show me what the step I should take next. In that time He allowed me to go to New Zealand on a vision trip with a small team of 8. I was hoping that during that trip He would reveal to me what His plan for me was. I didn't see any direction. As the months became weeks of living in Indy I decided to go home to work and figure some things out. I spent about 2 or 3 weeks working back in Iowa, and i spend night after night while I was there talking to my parents about what I should do. I suggested the possibility of going back to school. Of course Mom and Dad were all over that idea, and before I knew it I was signed up for classes at BVU. I'm not even sure if that's really what the Lord wanted for me.. at least I didn't feel that he was leading me that way.. I feel like I just coasted into it....

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents so much and I am more than thankful beyond belief for them and everything they have done for me!! But.. I feel like a large majority of my life I have just coasted... coasted through high school, coasted through my first two years of college, coasted through almost 2 years of "working" in Indianapolis, and now I'm coasting again. I feel like I'm just in a little cart on a track coasting through a coal mine.. It all seems to "easy" or something. I really don't know.. and I still don't see the Lords plan in it all. It's not that I'm worried, or stressed or anything, I just don't really know what to do.

The thing I'm struggling with the most is trying to find the balance between the Lords will, my selfishness, and perseverance. Sometimes I wonder if there are things in life that you "just do" and persevere through, or if you can be content in what you do by changing your situation, Or if it's the Lord's will that you have to go through something, or if He is placing that discontentment in your heart because you have other passions and desires that He wants you to seek after... I really don't know! I have many other desires and passions that I'm not seeking after right now because I'm trying to understand if the Lord has me where I am right now just so I can "get through" and "persevere." I wonder if my desires are selfishness. I wonder if the Lord gives me those desires and wants me to follow them.. I don't know! I'm really struggling with this... and that's why I'm coasting.

I do know that the Lord has me here to be patient, still, and to listen. I know that He is teaching me patients and reliance on Him and Him only. He has placed people in my life to help me think through these things. He has also placed very dear people far away from me so i can think through these things. He works in pretty mysterious ways. I'm thankful that He is in control.

Please pray that the Lord would allow me to see His will, and that I would seek His guidance daily!